I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
