Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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