Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
