obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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