I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
