I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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