I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
