You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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