so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
