The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
