this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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