He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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