We're like a lot better than the average bears
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
