I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
