My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
