Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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