i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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