My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
