I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
