Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
