shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
