Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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