I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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