32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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