please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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