12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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