So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
