just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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