apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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