I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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