i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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