He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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