You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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