How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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