Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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