ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
