I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
