my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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