brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
