Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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