dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
