Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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