I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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