just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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