True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
