I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
