Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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