Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
