I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
