My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
