I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
