omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
