You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
