New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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