Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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