Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
