Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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