On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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