I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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