Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
