At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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