I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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