Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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