nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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