i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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