Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
