i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
